Broken Glass

Yesterday morning I woke up, albeit a little bit later than I was meant to, but around 7 something am and I was alive and well. It was raining hard outside, I could hear it crashing on my window and the roof above. This pretty much automatically eliminated the run I had planned to go on in my head the night before- but I didn’t feel any major devastation because a few more minutes of warmth sounded like bliss.

I reached out to get the water bottle on my bedside table and without meaning too I knocked my mirror a little bit. It lost balance, and my almost full length mirror that had been on the bedside table propped against the wall suddenly crashed onto the ground, shattering into shards and tiny pieces all over the floor of my already messy and overflowing room.

“BOLLOCKS”.

Because seriously? Who needs that. one because i actually liked that mirror, two because I don’t have another one, and three, there are now shards of glass finding their way into the crevices of my overcrowded hub which I had let get to a messy state.

I decided I literally couldn’t deal- too much effort, no time, and decided to leave the glass there.

-Side note (never do this, because going back to when you were a two year old toddler and your parents made them avoid smashed glass because they knew it would cut you- they were right!)

So I skipped around and tiptoed to avoid the glass, got ready in the bathroom and left the house to go on my errand and university filled day which had no time for me to stop and pick up all the broken pieces that my mirror had left me with.

Later on in the day, I was rushing home, going for the run I had skipped earlier, had a job interview and had tickets to a show at night. When I got home from my run and before getting picked up for the show, I had a few minutes of free-ish time. I mean- I could have changed outfit a few more times or taken a power nap to give me that little bit more energy for the night. I chose the latter.

As I sat down on my bed, I glanced around at the floor covered in shattered glass.

“Ill pick it up later” I muttered to myself.

“I’ll wear shoes inside the house at all times until I have fixed it another day.” I inwardly acknowledged.

It would be effort to do it. Time I just didn’t want to give it- energy I didn’t want to spend. I would rather just leave it and deal with it another day or another time when I felt like I had more mind space to give it.

But something in me stopped. I remembered how in reality- I would probably end up hurting myself. I kind of need my arteries, and I definitely need my feet. And so I decided to remove the glass.

I picked up the big bits first. Then the medium. Then spent the remaining time looking in corners with a brush and pan in the crevices trying to pull out the little tiny pieces of debris which already without much human movement in the room that day had woven themselves into places I didn’t even think possible.

I went to bed after the show so happy I had taken the time to pick up the glass. Because doing something earlier that I would thank myself for later- felt good.

In the middle of the night something in me in subconscious found some significance in the broken mirror and the picking up of the pieces.

Sometimes in life- things shatter. We can see the big bits- we know that there are things that have broken down and have left us with little more than an empty wooden mirror frame and some shards of glass which if left untouched and uncollected could leave us damaged far beyond what would have been if we had taken the effort to clear them up before they had time to further break down and spread out further into our space. But often- we leave them. “It’s going to be too painful” or we don’t know how to get all the pieces together, we just for various reasons, leave the shattered pieces.

What if the glass had moved itself around through naturally the movement in the room, and one day years later, I had stepped on another piece and hurt myself deeply, all because i left it to sit through not wanting to give the effort to pick up the shards. Just not wanting to deal.

For things that have broken down in life. See the therapist, talk to your friends, put in the effort to weed out the broken shards so that you do not have to days, weeks, months, years later have to deal with ignored shattered pieces. But instead you can start new, acknowledging what was broken, but looking behind without a path of destructive debris, but a cleared pathway where you can move from a place of clarity.

Things may still come up. I’m pretty sure under my bed between the boxes theres a few shimmery bits still waiting for a second look, but for the most part- I just avoided unneccessary  damage.

Happy, not so rainy, Wednesday. xo

PERSPECTIVE: Find your magic.

Hi Eden River, it has been a while. This is not because I haven’t been writing, or mulling, but more so I have been focusing my energies on my studies and giving appropriate time to meeting deadlines. This has meant that my glitter filled thoughts have been laying rampant scrawled across the pages of notepads and folders which lay on many floors and have never quite made it to Eden River.

But ALAS, here we are. Another year, well, another MARCH (yes people, we are 1/4 of the way into the year and WHERE does it go I ask you?) and what a year it has been so far.

I wanted to share a couple of thoughts that I have gathered from travelling oceans, meeting strangers and spending copious hours of time alone in libraries trying to write essays that are coherent enough to be marked. Also, if all goes to plan, these thoughts will continue to make it to eden river much more frequently. Todays note is on perspective.

PERSPECTIVE

The dictionary definition of Perspective is. “A particular attitude towards or way of regarding something; a point of view.” I would like to expand upon this concept of attitude and point of view.

In recent months I went travelling with friends and then went on to Ireland to be with my family for some time at Christmas. It was a wonderful, soul feeding time where unimaginable amounts of chocolate was consumed and laughter was filling the hallways of the house where I grew up alongside my three siblings.

After this trip, I returned back to Australia. Naturally, after such a time period of being away and such a long plane journey, I was mentally and physically exhausted, with a to-do list longer than I ever wanted to face.

Upon my return, many people wanted to know how my time was, they had seen photos. and many asked me, HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? HOW WAS HOME? HOW WAS IRELAND?

In my jet lagged, post holiday blues my feelings toward how it had been actually lay on the more shadowy side of the line, and I legitimately awoke to the concept of perspective.

I could have told them, WELL.. It rained the entire time so I didn’t get to do all the hiking and adventuring I wanted too, I missed my grandfather unimaginably, I didn’t have a car for the majority of the time, I got the flu for a few days and people often didn’t quite seem to understand what I was doing with my life and many behaved somewhat disgusted that my life goal was not to work 9-5 and own a puppy. Upon hearing this synopsis, it does not leave either me or you feeling very uplifted, just depleted and negative.

Similarly, the synopsis of the very same trip from the very same person could have consisted of a different truth. It was WONDERFUL! I got to spend the most precious time with my sweet 90 something year old grandmother and sing songs from the Sound Of Music and laugh until we both couldn’t breath, I got to stay up late with my mum and talk about dreams and plans and how beautiful the days to come will be, I got to go away with my life long best friends and play card games in pokey Irish pubs and reminisce on the childhood we shared and how we continue to grow together. I learnt so much and feel so incredibly thankful for the three weeks I spent on the emerald isle.

The only difference between these two stories, the two outlooks, is perspective. Same trip, same person, different perspective. Going back to the definition of perspective, it is a point of view. It is your point of view on the scenario, the pain, the joy, the job, the loss, the gain, everything. It is your way of regarding it. It does not mean you live a lie, it does not mean you sugar coat the truth, it does not mean you ignore pain, but you CHOOSE to look at things with a life filled perspective.

I am the first to acknowledge that there are often times in each of our lives that things could look bleak. Sometimes, even brutally painful to the point where trying to find a silver lining is almost obscene.

However, I urge you. In a world where society lies in the most comatose, medicated, depressed state of its existence, we need people to resolve to look at things with perspective which encourages people to break out of the shadow and into the light.

I don’t know what you have been through, and I don’t know what your scenario is today. But looking at life through eyes of truth will set you free and help you to live the life of abundance and joy that is set before you.

Sure he left you, but you didn’t get left, you got set free, for the most exquisite and unimaginable beautiful doors to open and what is coming round the corner is better than what you could have hoped for. You are not ignoring the truth of what happened, but you are choosing to maintain the perspective that the most magnificent days of your life are still to be lived.

Sure, you didn’t get the job. But that means there will be another job, something that suited you better, something with even more opportunity, something which will expand and grow you more than you ever could have in the previous position.

Sure, money seems tight. You could have a pity party about it, life is just so expensive. Or, you learn how to do things on a tight budget. You become the ultimate $5 dinner maker, which then leads on to you making your own cook book, which goes viral and suddenly you’re on Ellen.

You get the drift?

Choose to look at the world view eyes of life, because perspective changes everything.

You are magic.

Dolphin Watching.

It’s my last day of being 22, as is indicative of my emotional soul, I am doing some soul searching and reflecting on the year
gone by & the hope I maintain for the days to come. No, this is not a list of reflective points from the deep & meaningful life of a 22 year old crazy, but more one point that I feel has been of benefit to me & will continue to be forever. And potentially,also to you.

Currently my hair is the colour of the full spectrum of a packet of skittles & I may or may not have had chocolate cake for breakfast. I start my university degree in Theology in under 3 weeks & somewhere in the middle of that is a trip overseas to read books&see some Thai sunsets. What a whirlwind. What an adventure. But boy, how excited am I for the season about to unfold, & how on earth did I end up here.

My contemplation may stem from the fact that the year gone by was potentially the most up & down but best year of my life. This time last year I had just finished my 3 years of college & had signed up to a year of work to make an attempt to save the fees for the degree I wanted to do at this time, (the one I am subsequently about to start.) I also had days where I was unsure if I wanted to return to study at all, maybe I wanted to move to china to work with children & visit rice fields. I wanted to live this year alive to my core, to have some sense of a break between my finished studying & degree to come. I also wanted a year to search, discover & settle what I loved. I wanted to live this year full throttle, achieving goals but enjoying life. I decided that If I was going to work to save my fees, I wanted to do it in such a way, that if someone presented to me the full amount owed for my university course the day before it started, that internally I would have been satisfied that although I worked hard all year, I had still lived my life in abundance & not been saddened by having spent a year as a slave in order to achieve a goal.

Fast forward 364 days, 12 months and indeed a lot of hours of work. No, no one has randomly left a cheque on my doorstep covering tuition & I didn’t win the lottery. But yet I am now 100% enrolled in university, fees paid & feeling a mixture of gratitude, excitement & satisfaction.

HOW DID I GET HERE? What was last year? Where did it go & what was it full of? I know I worked my socks off, two jobs for over 12 months. But somehow even that seemed to have some fun in it. As I flash back I think of some highlights & moments. I got to attend two of my best friends weddings in the USA & in EUROPE, I got to sing as my oldest & dearest friend walked down the aisle. I got to see my beloved grandparents celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary. I saw wild dolphins swimming in the ocean on more than one occasion & I learnt that sourdough bread doesn’t have any artificial yeast in it. I saw my favourite band perform live & cried with friends going through pain that you would never wish upon them. I went to the hometowns of two of my now sisters & saw where they came from & became family with their family. I ate my first (& last) scallop ever & got to be a part of my 6th Hillsong Conference. There was also, as is the reality of life, many darker days, but boy was there some light, felt & lived in abundance.

At the end of that whirlwind year, something inside me has arrived at a place. I am satisfied with the season passing, & ecstatic in anticipation of all to come. I got here, to the place I wanted to be, but how. My conclusion is this.

We chew over decisions that we make today, but my key is to think of these moments in terms of what would our future selves would thank us for. Life goes, it is lived, lived indeed, but it is sure to do one thing, it is sure to continue rolling on. Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, months into years, years into decades, and it in the words of my exquisite 93 year old grandmother, ‘it all goes so quickly.’

The walls of these moments are lined with hopes, aspirations, dreams & goals to be accomplished.

The sinking feeling of what ifs, how could have’s & if only’s do nothing more than cast shadow on once joy infused memories of time gone by, leading to feelings of defeat in the midst of that time ticking on.

I however, reckon this is whatever, and here we have it folks, LIVE A LIFE THE FUTURE YOU WOULD THANK YOU FOR.

You deserve to live a life that when you look back on it it is filled with respect for your younger you. You work the hours, so the future you can do the degree. You book the flights, so you don’t miss your best friends wedding. You go to the gym, so the future you is grateful for your willingness to place value on being healthy. You choose good people, so that the future when you stand at your wedding or the first day of your business opening & the people beside you are of the highest caliber.

When I started out working with the idea of doing the degree, I was not 100% convinced I wanted to do it. It was in some senses a goal, but definitely there was many reservations inside. However I knew if the future me did decide it was wanted to this (which I did..obviously) I would have to work now to make that possible. Making decisions based not just upon the emotion of today but of the person you are striving to be will open doors, opportunity & help to transform the future into a land of possibilities rather than strain.

Heres to 23, more dolphin watching & definitely more rainbow hair.

I Dare You.

Yesterday was a game changer, and game changer days should be documented. Because they can only change the game if you remember that they happened, and consequently when you are playing, you think back to the thing that changed the game for you, and alter the ending.

And so, I am sharing this with you.

This day was so impacting to me because of a few words spoken by another person. The words they spoke were able to articulate and put into formation feelings which have bubbled and mused inside of me for some time, but I had never quite been able to solidify them into a statement.

Thanks to this individual, the feelings have crystallised and are now out into the open, and consequently a little fire has started to burn and my mind has began reeling.

This is what they said,

“But because we are not them, we are the audience..

Forget that. It is no more readily available for them than it is for you. Yes you, sitting there.”

This statement was given in reference to those whom many of us see in the limelight in a church context. It was prefaced with another couple of lines about how as individuals we often see the prophets, the worship leaders, the speakers and the elevated as having special anointing far out of our reach and ourselves as the lesser individuals who are in our rightful place as meer onlookers. The audience of a play we will never be a part of.

I despise this mentality. But I completely understand how many have arrived at that point. And so I LOVE the challenge to break this thought pattern.

This idea rings loud and clear to me because it is applicable in any setting and really could reference to anyone seen as a bright star of our times or any successful and acknowledged being. The acclaimed, the prestiged, the renowned and the respected, it is not just limited to a church building.

For those of us who don’t have 6.2m Instagram followers (thank God, because 50% of my posts are of trees or pizza and no one really wants to see that.) and for those of us who have yet to be begged to do a co-write with Justin Bieber, we can easily in our own heads see ourselves as the audience. The audience of life who have resolved to sit back and see what other amazing things people are doing. Our lives can feel insignificant due to the lack of affirmation from the masses, like we missed the cut and may never amount to much. We wanted to change the world at one point but have yet to have had more impact than hugging our next door neighbour, and so defeated before we even began, we sign up to the club of onlookers, inwardly deciding its because the anointing and magic didn’t quite make its way to the womb when we were being formed.

And what an easy club to be in it is. We have such easy access to pry into other peopes lives, spending minutes, hours, weeks and potentially years just scrolling through the feeds of the happy and the chosen and wondering if anyone aside from the emotional 16 year old girl posting about her break up, ever has a bad day.

For someone to put into words, that just because you are not one of the supposed “them” that you are in fact, not a part of the audience but all the favour and goodness available to them is also for you, is magical. YOUR place is important. You are a main character just in a different play from the one you are focused on. You have so much that so many would be out of their dreams blessed to have, and your future is greater than you could have planned.

Society has flattered the egos of those who are in some form of limelight, making the platform the goal and the path to it a gruelling process  where when we reach one stage there will always be another person further ahead and another pillar to reach in order to finally feel any form of satisfaction, and this cycle continues.

This is what I want to challenge.

To the mother who raises three kids, works two jobs, helps them with their home work and cooks them dinner every night. She stresses over the electricity bill and never gets her hair done because she knows the boys will need new soccer boots before Autumn is up and she just can’t put the money towards herself when they have needs too. You are a HERO. In your own right, you are exquisite. You have fought battles that many will never understand and you can live the most fulfilled, beautiful life full of magic and light because in your life, you play a big role and you are doing an amazing job at what you are doing.You did not miss out on some big thing, that God, or the world, or life chose someone else. You are living your life. You are making it COUNT. You are playing your PART. You are being the best you that you can be. You potentially may not have the vocal chords of Beyonce, the looks of Cara D or the money of the guy who started McDonalds. But your life, counts. And it counts big. Your circumstances may present more pressing or harder circumstances, and I am not trying to take away from the weight of what you carry or dismiss how hard some peoples trials may have been in saying that we all have it the same. My point is that your life is worth so much, just as much as anyone else’s, no matter what your everyday looks like.

To the young dreamer who just wants to live with purpose and add to the world with his art but sees the doors opening for everyone else around him but seemingly not for himself. The money hasn’t come, the opportunities haven’t arisen, people don’t seem to dig your style and interpretation and your drive to create is dwindling as fast as your hope is. DON’T give up. You create not because it is popular, not because society or surroundings acknowledge it to have reached a bar to be “enough” but because if it is in you, you should do it. Who wants to live a life just based upon what everyone else says is right. What everyone else says is correct or meets the mark. You find what you love, you give it your all. And if no one ever tells you it ticked their boxes, it doesn’t matter, because you didn’t do it for them. YOU are not onlooking, you are PARTICIPATING. And dominating. At your life.

Who says that a life viewed in more detail by society and acknowledged more by the masses has any more value than your life.

Thats the beauty. When you don’t live your life hooked up to an IV drip dependant on the approval or the popularity within the society around you, you are free to live the life you were created for. For me, I found my worth in the God I serve. I found a purpose, something to build, to believe, something I was born to live for. For you, you may not be signed up to the same page, but  you will still be serving something, and it is so easy to become downtrodden and defeated inside due to the resolution that you haven’t made it. It’s a lie. Or to dismiss your life as having not made a difference.

Many people have accomplished things of the most unimaginable grandeur of worth that we know nothing about, will never know anything about and will never hear of. They still count. Just because the person who started that 500+ children orphanage in the middle of the sticks in Africa is not a household name- does that mean that they didn’t do something? NO. They changed the face of the world. They just aren’t waiting for you to acknowledge it to feed their ego and say they did something good.

The magic is readily available to you. You are not an onlooker. You are not in an audience. You are the main part. Of your story. You do not have to bow down to societies ideas of important. If you want to start your own label, do it. If you want to run a cafe, do it. If you want to be a checkout chick and be freaking awesome at it, do it. If you want to have 9 kids, do it. If you want to not date people for a while because you want to go live in Africa and work in a monastery, do it. If you wanna get fit and healthy, do it. If you want to learn how to tap dance, do it.

Heres to not living life as an onlooker, and not waiting for people to “like” your life to make it count.

Your Success Is Not My Failure.

From an early age I have wanted to be all that I could.

I was one of those kids who aspired to become President, go to the moon or live in the gingerbread house I single handedly created whilst living in the French Alps.

Fast forward to age 22, I’m still a dreamer. So I don’t want to live in a Gingerbread house, but I am absolutely convinced I will not live a mundane life. Now, security would be a dream. Doing the law degree which I worked hard and got the grades to get into could have been a nice slice of smart. Or taking the job in the marketing firm I got offered, perfect on some levels. But as I am wired for something different, wired to create, write, dream, I started to make decisions based upon what I actually believed would help my crazy dreamer mind to have some kind of outlet and help me to fulfil the off centre ideas that my heart just won’t let me let go of, instead of veering towards what would help me to put down some roots and aid my idea of getting into the stock market.

Consequently, age 22, I am not graduated from law school, I don’t really understand what a mortgage is, and having a set schedule sounds like a form of capital punishment. HOWEVER. There are many other (and many extremely happy and living out their own callings) 22 (or whatever age) year olds who have it much more together and are doing GREAT. Which, after making these slightly off centre decisions for a few years and my wandering mind being unsatisfied to accept things as they are, has left me thinking, pondering, exploring and concluding to one fact which I reckon will change the future of my entire life, and yours if you let it.

YOUR SUCCESS IS NOT MY FAILURE

In a world which is inescapably run by social media, there is at times no solace.

From Instagram to Pintrest to Facebook and then on to Snapchat, I am, at the flick of a finger able to see what amazing things are going on in your life, how much fun you are having, who you are meeting, what your successes are, how perfect you look, how in love you are, how great other people think you are, blah blah blah.

And the lie is, because your life is great, and I’m not there, or doing the same thing, maybe mine isn’t going so well.

Maybe if your doing this thing (whatever it may be)..I should be too? Is this normal? Am I behind? Oh my word should I start applying for degrees today? How come you met this person so quick? Your diamond is SO shiny! You got asked out on another date? How come you’re so gifted? What an amazing opportunity you got, what should I be doing with my time that would make me be able to also do something great like that. And at the end of my psycho freak out all I conclude to is..MAYBE I’LL WIN THE LOTTERY AND MOVE TO ICELAND!!

This idea really doesn’t just direct to age or whether someone in their early 20s would be following a 5 year plan or not, or even a direct link to whether someone has a job or a career, it’s a life concept. It’s also not a lets all ‘get off social media it’s ruining your soul’ because I often find social media enjoyable/inspiring on many levels/a great way to keep in touch across the globe.

But the bottom line is:

In no way at all if someone else is doing something great with their life or time does it mean that yours isn’t going so well. It’s just your journey.

Married or single, rich or poor, famous or unknown, healthy or sick, living out of a trailor or in a mansion..there will always be things each one of us desires in our lives. And each one of us has our own journey and path made up of where we have been and where we are going which takes twists and turns. Some people have lots and loose it, others have little and keep it, some are from royalty and enjoy caviar for breakfast, others of us get pure joy from making up a group dance routine to old school Shakira with the neighbours. Some of us were born to be slightly more unconventional with the paths we take.. (Who moves to Austrailia age 18 and has a glitter obsession?!) And some see the road well travelled as a major adventure in itself.

One current example and application for the concept I’m describing is seen in where I live. Currently I live in a place appropriately named “The Shack” because quite literally, it’s a hut. It has about 3 plug sockets throughout the whole place, and the holes in the walls are not for added decoration. But you know what, I live with the most exquisite human beings I have ever known, I have a room with clothing racks which stand up without breaking (most of the time) and I have rainbow coloured fairy lights which change sequence if you press the button. And to me, this place is a mansion. Because, to me, for my journey, it is the people that make a place, and a nicer or more plush home really wouldn’t add much to my life because it’s not what I care about. But I have space to write music or sit outside, and that fills my soul. But if someone came to see it who didn’t find those things attractive, someone who was looking for a spacious and more luxurious living space, they may literally be mortified by The Shack. On the flip side, some people have come to see it and left exclaiming, “WHY don’t we have a place like this, its amazing.”. Because everyone has different places, journeys, desires and dreams and they all make up the pieces of their puzzle for their life, with many minds which think differently on many things.

It would be a serious shame to feel on any level, that due to someone else’s apparent happiness or success in their endeavours, that you are not doing so well. We all view success differently too. To me, my goal for this year is to have recorded some music I’ve been working on and go on a trip with my Mum, yours might be to stabalize your marriage, or it might be to finally beat Cancer. But for you to embrace your space, focus on what you would like to do, set your goals and be with your people it would be significantly better than feeling downtrodden and distracted by another’s, because its not your space to live in. Don’t waste a moment of your life to take any more than inspiration from others lives, because feeling any level of distain, shame or failure on your behalf is not worth the time.

Imagine getting to a place where when other people succeed you don’t have even a single pang of jealousy or comparison. You can champion others, be proud of their endeavours and still be able to be moving forward in your own life.

Another side note of this is that you could have the most magical life and no one would know because you don’t shout it from the rooftops. Or you could live on a much darker side of reality, but seemingly have it all together and many aspire to be where you are. Things are often not always as they seem, but your concern should lie within living free within your life and not living under the illusion and distraction of any other adventure.

Your success is not my failure. Its just your success.

And thats great.

🙂

2015 Dreaming.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

  

For some reason I have woken up today feeling like I won the lottery, married Jude Law and got my dream job all in one day. I am PUMPED on this new year.

Potentially it is because I truly love things that start, and things that end. Theres something so beautifully definitive when you can legitimately say, yep, it is not just another day, week or month, but truly a new entire year has begun.

Personally 2014 brought me more freedom than I thought possible. I made the best friends of my life, travelled the world, learnt to love myself and my life more, and for the first time ever I learnt to actually let go and enjoy every day as if it was its own hiking trail where I never knew what could happen or what I could see, allowing myself to experience some of the deepest joy I have ever known. I have discovered things I love to do, things I like, things I don’t, things I want to work on, and conquered many giants In my own life that no longer haunt my path. To paint a whole picture.. there were definitely darker days and some big transitions within my 2014 tapestry. There was also a lot of hard work and some tears in there, but overall, I really had a great year.

However, I know far too well for many 2014 was hard. Trials, death, sleepless nights and angst. I saw many people who are close to me go through pain beyond what I could ever fathom, knowing darker days than they even knew they could survive. It pushed many to a point where they no longer believe in the love they once hoped for, they no longer hold onto the dreams that they so passionately desired, and thoughts of the future are tainted a dark shade of torment as they move forward with heavy burdens and hurting hearts.

But is over, over indeed.

And this year, this year is different.

No matter the verdict on 2014 this new year has the chance to propel you further, to help chisel and shape your dreams. May you awaken to the endless possibilities this world holds. You can do anything you wish. In our day and age especially, the world is your oyster. You can see it in its glitter and lights and you can soak up the cultures in every corner. You can make a difference to people. YOU, you can change someones life this year. You can become more whole, strong, at peace and driven to continue to live out the calling on your individual life than ever before.

And to those who experienced a darker suffering this year. I urge you with everything I have to shake off whatever marks you were left with from 2014. I know this sounds like an “easier said than done” scenario. However, day by day, step by step this can be a beautiful and real journey. You can embrace who it made you, even the pain. Have your scars, own what happened, but remember. There is something in this year, there is something that has changed in the waters.

Something, has come alive that everything can change for you. A new door has opened now. New possibilities, new people, new places, or new life within the old places too.

With this changing year, everything has changed. I believe this year will have a release over your life. I believe this year is the year that dreams can become reality. Anything can happen. I believe it to be a year where each one of us can open our minds, not confined just to what we have previously known, wanted, seen, or believed. May you find freedom in your life, whatever that looks like. Decide to think bigger, decide to believe for more, decide to put aside the hurt that you have been holding on to for years and finally make that reconciliation, decide to take risks and actually believe in a true once off kind of love, decide to go for the job you don’t think your good enough to get, make friends with new people that don’t fit your “normal” type of people, listen to new music, FEEL the music you listen too and let it fill your bones and remind you that your alive to your very core and that life is indeed an adventure and an adventure worth living.

I am excited, filled with hope and wonder.

2015.. LETS DO THIS.

Beginners Guide to Eating Dinner Alone

She was beautiful. Mid 20s, elegant, seemingly reserved but oozing the aura of confident. I watched her place her napkin on her lap and take a few bites of the first dish which had been delivered to her table. How could this be? She was bound to have friends, bound to have places to be. She was alone, and she was having dinner, in a high-end restaurant, and she seemed totally 100% FINE with it.

After observing her contentedness for a time, and inwardly noting how she was not blasting a Taylor Swift love song or distracting herself from her seeming isolation by being glued to her phone, I decided I had to either ask this girl if she waiting for someone to come, or congratulate her on what seemed to me to be an act of sheer nobility. As I was clearing the area surrounding her, I impulsively went with the latter. With little sophistication, I leaned towards her and blurted out, “I love that you are just owning this, your having dinner here by yourself and you seem completely fine. Just..at peace..happy and like, that’s awesome.” She didn’t look shocked by my congratulations, but instead glanced up in gratitude and uttered a sweet and simple response. “Yeah.. I love the food here. And I guess it helps I am an only child so I’m completely used to doing things alone.” She didn’t say it with sorrow, she didn’t say it with disdain, just with a half-smile which progressed into a slight giggle.

We went on to chat casually, workplaces/family/summer and eventually she left on her merry way leaving little but a few crumbs and a tip for the waitress who so kindly commended the magnificence of her casual Tuesday antics. However when she left, something stayed with me.

“USED TO DOING MANY THINGS ALONE.”

The words reverberated in my head. Used to it? How could you be used too it? Surely even in her confidence she knew that life is to be enjoyed most whilst in the continual company of others. Each day submersed under the laughter of many, any affliction camouflaged by some kind words from friends who can swiftly distract and take attention off life’s distressing moments. RIGHT? And there was my fatal flaw.

I couldn’t shake it. Why was this such a shock to me? Why was I so blown away by something so simple.

 Maybe I didn’t like to be alone.

Umm..Understatement of the century. More like I couldn’t think of anything worse. I didn’t like it at all, on any level or in any context. As an early 20s extreme extrovert who lives life in rainbow colours and makes more friends on a bus journey to the beach than some do in a lifetime..the idea of actual aloneness struck a chord somewhere within me of fear and anxt.

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This one restaurant interaction went on to become something that has really left a lasting impact on my life. It got me thinking..really thinking. Now I do know that each one of us is different. I know that some may even be somewhat mortified that I think it impressive that she was doing this. Others might think it ghastly and awkward that i would go as far as to congratulate her on her independence. But her actions just caught me off guard and I loved it. Because she was owning it. She didn’t care. She could have been anyone, from the daughter of the President of the world to a heartbroken dream girl who got stood up on a date. I just loved that she was owning it. Loving her food and her time and really not giving a damn what anyone thought. She literally even said it..

“I LOVE THE FOOD.” SERIOUSLY!?!

Giiiirl. THAT IS AWESOME.

I think it actually changed my life.

Since meeting her I have been mulling over the thoughts of not living your life for the approval of others, and also being ok to be alone. I acknowledge that even then, on some sunny days I think I could potentially (probably not but maybe) have done the dinner thing, but actually hate every second of it..But In time the beliefs started to form that there could indeed be some kind of real solace and actual joy from spending some time not submersed in the company of others.

I started to think about her freedom. It was fierce but in the most graceful of manners. Why would I, or anyone, waste time bowing down to the approval of everyone else? Would I feel like the wait staff were judging? Does it mean you don’t have people if you aren’t with them all the time? If she had spent her night looking around to see if anyone thought her actions bizarre, or her entire time glued to her phone, or with headphones blaring music, she literally would have missed the experience that brought joy to her life. How free it is to actually not care. To just be. I am here, eating dinner alone, because I want to be because I like the food and it’s cool. End of story. Apply it to any scenario. I wore this really ugly sweater that you wouldn’t be seen dead in because..guess what..I liked it. I ate sushi for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 11 days in a row, because..I wanted too. I booked tickets to Poland by myself for summer 2019 because I want to see some em.. museums. I literally love that I could take away from one short encounter that there is strength in her independent actions, and love that actually, each one of us can just own it. WHATEVER your it is.

Furthermore..We may as well actually go far as to make and embrace some time to be by yourself. As the seasons have developed I have now started to see that there is some serious power in recognising alone time as a precious thing. I don’t know quite why this was recent revelation to me, but upon consideration it has come alive to me that each and every one of us, spends more time with ourselves than with any other individual on the planet. There is no escaping your own skin, your own company.

You wake up to yourself every morning, you go to bed with yourself every night. Some actual time to process, time to set goals, time to think through things that have happened, time to remember things that have been forgotten, time to be thankful for the incredible blessings that have been apart of everyday life and time to dream a little more and think further for the future. Whilst living life in a constant state of social, leaving little room to breathe never mind think,process or dream..the days fly by and time can often speed up. However, I have found there to be somewhat of an empty hollow left beyond this. People live their own lives, they are not responsible for yours and they cannot be your buffer to numb or escape in every waking moment. Make some time for you to be you.

This girl taught me something. She inspired me to own it. And she challenged me to love it. Potentially now I will have much more to give others when I am with them, my encounters enriched and my life enhanced because of how I have grown within my personal time. And potentially now I will be even more free than before. Refreshed, alive and free.